Maybe I’m just not ready.

As I scroll through the endless number of upperclassmen Instagram pages, digging deeper and deeper, finding more and more people, I begin to realize how afraid of saying goodbye to the life I’m living. it’s not for another 3.5 years I tell myself: but 5 months ago, I was saying It’s four years from now. Time is passing faster than I would like it to be. Much faster. At once, Greencastle Indiana was a stranger to me, but now my home that once was is just a stucco structure that’s near Disney. All I think of when I’m home is Disney, Disney, Disney, because that’s what I’m close to. At one point in my life… as in July of this year, my home was the golf course, the Jeramiah’s ice cream near my school, the palm trees, my small white Nissan Versa and whatever little adventure it wanted to take me on. Now, my home is a whole new set of people, a new town, a new life.

***

1.5 years later

I’ve let go of this little pocketbook. It’s been about a year since I’ve uploaded, nevertheless written a full blog post. I can promise you; this account hasn’t been ignored. I’ve spent hours reading my old writing, cringing, thinking, editing, starting, but not finishing.

I was fiddling through my old drafts when this one struck me hard. A year and a half ago, I had this goal to write more. I found a sparkling beauty in using my words to express the non-expressible and I had decided that this was my time to shine: on my free, watermarked website. It’s been a whole year and a half, and I’ve left my words in a desert.

***

2 years later

I’ve stumbled upon you little draft once again but this time I won’t let you down. I am going to liberate you from the entanglement of waiting for the right post at the right time. I’ve let you sit and watch time go by, letting unveiled thoughts be forgotten. This little site became my safe haven that I unduly neglected. My thoughts unorganized, fleeting on torn pages of journals, notebooks, the note app. But a few updates for this broken little page: DePauw has become home. A place I find strength, where I outline my dreams: which still change bimonthly. DePauw has traveled around the world with me, finding comfort in seeking the unknown. The palm trees have become a delicacy, and the future is a lot closer than it once was. I’m still apprehensive, but I’m enthusiastic.

I’m not ready yet, but I am getting there.

***

2.5 years later

I’m ready to leave. Or I’d like to tell myself I’m ready. In this moment, I’ve drained every ounce of joy that’s been poured into the glass of the ‘best four years of my life’. I received a text message reading… “You know what you’re doing” and you know? I can’t deny it and say I’m oblivious. One thing I can say though, is that maybe I don’t really know what it is to be a friend. Maybe this a new journey I’m embarking on because in all honesty, I can’t keep breaking hearts. I can’t keep destroying the relationships I spent leaning my smooth head on. This time, for the first time, I don’t want to go back but I need to. These four years are spent learning and you know? I have more to learn.

I want to be ready (so badly) but I am not.

***

3.0 years later

Well! That was quite dramatic if you ask me…